The pit

It has been a while since I posted and based on my last post you’d be right in getting the impression I was getting better. At the time I thought I was then, not long after I had the biggest bout I have ever had. I had to take some time off work and basically became a hermit.  All the advice was to get out and do things but all I could see around me was darkness. I know that sounds dramatic but it is the only way I can even begin to describe how I was feeling. My sleep patterns were pretty much backwards when I could sleep at all and every waking moment felt like, well, like hell. I couldn’t see a way out. I still don’t know what triggered it and I suppose I may never know. Something just flipped in my head and I just didn’t …

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Tough but not that tough

This week was tough for me but not as tough as it has been if that makes sense. I am still feeling tired every night when I finish work and even dropped off early last night!  I am managing to get more sleep but still averaging around 4-6 hours a night.  I did have one 8 hour sleep but I felt worse after it.  Don’t know how that works! It’s been tough for Andrew and Sheryl too with their dog Tipsy being ill.  I didn’t write about it before as it was something that is private for them but now I think it is OK.  She’s gotten much better and managing to walk and run around now which is awesome news. Walking the dog every day is helping me loads too.  At least it appears to be.  He still has a lot to learn about pulling too much though!  Also, …

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The lie

“I’m OK” The truth is I say this when I don’t mean it.  I don’t mean to lie to people but there are many reasons for not saying how I truly feel.  For instance the person I’m talking to is going through enough problems themselves and wouldn’t want to deal with mine (I think) and I also don’t want to burden them with it. This brings me to another reason, even if I said I wasn’t OK the next question is inevitably going to be “what’s wrong?”  I would not know how to even begin to answer that.  How do you explain the sudden feeling of emptiness, despair and futility of everything?  I know that it passes, I mean it passed enough today for me to write this, but at the time it takes me to the edge.  The edge of, well I won’t say it.  I refuse.  I feel …

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