The lie

“I’m OK” The truth is I say this when I don’t mean it.  I don’t mean to lie to people but there are many reasons for not saying how I truly feel.  For instance the person I’m talking to is going through enough problems themselves and wouldn’t want to deal with mine (I think) and I also don’t want to burden them with it. This brings me to another reason, even if I said I wasn’t OK the next question is inevitably going to be “what’s wrong?”  I would not know how to even begin to answer that.  How do you explain the sudden feeling of emptiness, despair and futility of everything?  I know that it passes, I mean it passed enough today for me to write this, but at the time it takes me to the edge.  The edge of, well I won’t say it.  I refuse.  I feel …

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Drained

So last night was the second night of not sleeping properly. I feel tired during the day but as soon as my head hits the pillow, bam my brain goes into overdrive.  It is not even anything in particular.  Could be ideas to fix bugs in software at work I’d recently been working on, plans to do other things in my spare time or just random wandering through my past.  I hope I can break this cycle soon.  I am finding it really hard right now to find the energy. I’m still getting headaches too.  Not as bad as they have been but still there nonetheless.  I’m waiting for new glasses in about a week so hopefully that will help although my prescription is not that different albeit from 5 years ago at the last test.  Yes, I know, I should do it yearly.  I have no excuse.  I need …

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Tiredness returns

Last night was a waking nightmare for me.  I think I saw almost every hour of the clock.  I felt shattered when I went into the office this morning and wasn’t sure I could make it through.  A couple of cups of tea later, some minor bug fixes and new developments completed though and I was sailing.  Around half 4 I started to flag again but considering the lack of sleep and the random pains I don’t think that is too bad.  I spent the last half hour updating notes, workflows and tickets. I’m glad to be home though, I don’t think I’ll be doing much tonight.  Maybe some games.  I’m thinking of starting to take some vitamins also.  Might perk me up a bit.  I’m pretty sure I’m lacking in some of them.  Any ideas on what is best to try or should I just go for those one …

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