Lee

Cleaning the mind (and home)

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After another long lull in activity here, I finally have my mind in a place where I can write again.  Maybe one day my “mind outages” will be less frequent.  Essentially what happens is I go into a sort of preservation mode whereby I dedicate all my energy to work and absolutely necessary tasks to keep myself afloat.  Everything else gets sort of paused.  It is not ideal and I do not like it but this is the only way I can weather the storms that occur in my mind. Anyway, around the middle of last week (or was it the week before?) I decided that, although working from home is so much better for me, there was not enough separation between the home office and home life.  To that end, I decided to totally redo my work and living spaces to truly separate them.  It sounded easy on paper …

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Sliding

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Today has been an exhausting day for me mentally.  Again, I do not know why my mind does this to me.  I really wish it wouldn’t.  I woke up with a dark cloud hovering over me.  I’m starting to think I really can’t dig myself out of this one.  Maybe I don’t really want to?  I mean, the devil on my shoulder is whispering in my ear saying I should just “give up” and honestly, I find myself agreeing more and more these days. I hate myself today more than I have for a long time.  I feel like I am sliding and cannot stop myself but at the same time, on the outside at least, I am the picture of productivity.  I respond to everyone saying I am ok.  That default expression.  So meaningless to me but I how do I say internally I am wreck, adrift in a …

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Why is my mind like this?

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Why is it so hard for me to get back into a groove of at least writing here?  I sometimes lay awake at night thinking about things I’d like to write and think to myself “that it is a great idea” but then the morning rolls around and …… nothing.  Maybe I should just get up and write in the night?  That seems to be when my mind is a peak creativity.  I’ve always been more of a night person anyway.  Perhaps it is the quiet?  Although that is an enemy of mine too. Anyway, today I plan to get stuck into a project that I started a while back.  The plan is to work on it for a few hours and see where it takes me creatively.  The biggest challenge for me, is that after I have fulfilled all my obligations for the day, I have no mental energy …

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