I haven’t posted since November! Looking at the date, I am barely able to comprehend the time that has gone by! I know the old saying is time flies when you are having fun, but in this case, there hasn’t been a lot of fun going on. Everything seems to have passed me by in a blur, and I can barely remember the months. Due to the nature of how my illness works, I won’t be saying that I won’t leave it this long again. If I had that level of control over my illness, then I guess I would no longer be ill. At least not affected to the extent it affects me now. Don’t get me wrong; I am doing better. What I mean by that is that I am coping better. I have found a sort of “groove of wellness” for want of a better phrase. However, I am still reasonably drained after work or after going out for a few hours. I’m working on addressing that, but I don’t have many ideas as to how.
The news about Caroline Flack yesterday rocked me. I didn’t know her personally, but it made me think about how the dark thoughts that have plagued me and just how close I have come to ending my life. Some days I still have those thoughts (even though I try my best to hide them) and this news brought home just how fragile life can be. I fight every day, and there are countless people all around us doing the same. Mostly in secret as we all tend to keep these things. A lot of the reason likely other people and I hide these thoughts are due to the reaction that may occur from sharing it. Often, in my experience, it is harmful, and the responses are not helpful. People saying things like “Just get over it!” and “It can’t be that bad, surely!?” The fact of the matter is, it probably doesn’t seem that bad to others, and in reality, it is not that bad, but due to the nature of the illness, even minor things snowball into big, dark clouds and huge unpassable mountains.
All that being said, if you can’t go over the mountain then go around it. It will take longer, but you will make it. Try to keep that in mind.
Recently, I’ve made some new friends and strengthened some other friendships. This has made me feel good but also, in my weird way, made me nervous. I am always afraid to open myself up to others and doing so makes me feel so vulnerable. The amount of energy it takes to write this and then hit Publish is immense. I hover over the button for what seems like an eternity before I take the plunge. It’s hard to put it into words just how much I stress about what I have written for hours and sometimes days after I publish something.
I made a new friend via the TrueAchievements website, and he is a cool guy. I won’t go into his details as it is not my place to do so, but you know who you are. Keep strong man!
Over the last few days, I took a step back from social interactions a bit. I just needed to get my head around some things, and if I had stayed in my normal social channels, I would’ve likely ended up saying something to hurt someone or more likely, hurt myself mentally or even physically. I played some SWTOR, and I’ve been getting into it. I’ve never completed even one storyline, but I am determined to do that this time. I don’t think I’ll ever go back to World of Warcraft which is quite sad in itself, but I just don’t have the same feeling about it as I used to.
I’m also working on some personal and friend projects which are keeping me engaged and bring back some joy into what I used to love.
I think I’ve rambled on enough, so I will leave it at that. Hope everyone stays well and safe. Remember, be kind to everyone.