The last part of yesterday and so far today I have started to feel like I am getting off a bumpy road. Since my last post, I have been experiencing a fair few mood swings. Anger and anxiety welling up for seemingly no reason. At least not one that I can put my finger on at the time or even afterwards.
If you continue to read on, please know that some things written here could contain triggers. Most of my blog could be categorised as such, so please take care.
Luckily for people around me, this dark period seems to have now passed. I feel so bad that it happens and although most people understand I still can’t help feel like I am a burden. I am ashamed to admit that I did think that maybe it would have been better if my first attempt to end it was successful. I know that will shock some. I just felt that the root of everyone else’s problems was me, and without me, peoples lives would be better. I deeply regret feeling that way, and I struggled with actually putting this out to the public for quite a while. However, mental health is still not widely discussed, and a stigma surrounds it even now, so I believe topics like this are important.
If I get judged (I guess I mean when I get judged) I will have to take it. For far too long depression and its effects have been hidden behind closed doors. I want anyone reading this who have been or are still going through the same things to reach out to me. Even if it is not to talk about the illness, reach out even for a chat. You are not alone.
Now that all that darkness is out in the open, I want to turn back to the positives. I believe I am currently out of these thoughts, and to be honest, it was a lot more short-lived than previous episodes. I am still not there, and I am enjoying my own company more than is healthy at the detriment to others. Just know that it is not personal, and this is something I have to do. This is my process. It is not perfect, but what is?