These last few months, I have been thinking about deleting this blog. It has been a struggle finding my way from day to day, so sitting down to write something has been all but unthinkable to me. At the same time, though, even as I start to write this, I feel a strange sort of release, which reminds me why I created this blog in the first place.
If you have been reading entries from this blog before, you know the pattern of my mind by now. I go through long periods of seeming inactivity. I never intend for it to happen, and sometimes weeks can go by before I even realise I’ve slipped into these periods. I refer to them as my “low power mode”. This state has persisted for far too long, and this time I am not sure I can even pull out of it. Well, that is not entirely true. I guess I am pulling out of it enough to write this. Will I stay out of it, though or sink back down? Honestly, I don’t know. I wish I would get back to my old, mentally energetic self. Every day that goes by, though, I remember less and less how that used to feel. What if I can never get that feeling back?
It is not that I have no mental energy. It is just that after work and other such daily tasks, I have no energy left.
Case in point, I started writing this post a few days ago. Perhaps that answers my question about being able to snap out of this funk? I think exercise is going to be a good start for me. I noticed the other day that simple things I used to do make me ache so easily. I started to wonder how I got this way as I used to be active, but the more I thought about it, the more I realised that was so long ago. I wouldn’t try to put a number of years on it, but it has been many. I don’t remember when I slipped into relative inactivity. I think the daily fighting of demons in my mind took all my strength. Sound like a weak excuse now that I say it out loud, but it is the truth. I don’t want that to be my truth anymore.
I don’t think just thinking and saying I will do these things is enough for me, though. I will have to plan everything down to the smallest detail to force me to tick them off each day. I guess that sounds weird to say, but I need to dictate my own direction and doing it in writing seems like a good way to go. At least for me. I hope I am not the only one who has to do this, but even if I am, well, this is who I am, and it is time I accepted myself: all my faults, mistakes and weird quirks. I need to accept them all. Maybe I also need to stop hiding them to appear more “normal” to others. I am going to stop trying to morph into what I think people want me to be. I mean, a lot of what you see is what you get, but I do tone it down a lot. Maybe that is a good thing? No, it is not. I cannot be at peace with myself if I hide. If I lose friends and family members due to it, then I am sorry. I don’t think I can continue down this path. I know where it leads. I almost got to the end of that dark path a while ago. It is time to block that path. Permanently.
So, with all that out there, finally. It is time to start living. Start doing, finish things I started and finally begin to work on my ambitions. Most of what is stopping me from working on my ambitions/ideas is the fear of failure—the fear of realising that I cannot achieve the things I plan so vividly in my mind. The fear of if I try to make my dreams a reality that I will fail, and I will not even have dreams anymore, but what is the point of dreams if you never try to make them come true? It is time to find out.
Wish me luck.