I’d like to start this post off with a trigger warning. A lot of this post is quite sensitive and frankly dark (even for me.) However, I feel I have to write it. It is time I stopped hiding it and I apologise if this post upsets anyone. This was not my intention. If you think it might then please stop reading now.
Last night was a rough night. As you may know, I have not been sleeping well for what seems like an age now. When I do get to sleep it is rarely restful and definitely not calm. Although the nightmares have stopped for the last day or two I still cannot get some decent rest. I woke up really early and for the first time I actually had to write a list of reasons to go on. I won’t go into details but the balance was tipped into not going on (at least in my mind at the time) by a large margin. The more I sat at the end of the bed with the light coming in through the window, the more it made sense to me. I am not here for me. I am here for everyone I love and that was my only reason for not taking the final step. I know that reading this will hurt some people and people will say I should have called them or woke them up but at that point I just felt utter despair and I truly felt that the burden I was carrying was too great. I didn’t want anyone else to have it and I still don’t.
This is not the first time I’ve felt like this but it is the first time I actually made a list. To be honest it should have scared me but somehow it didn’t. It felt like a release. I know that sounds crazy. I burnt the list and just led there staring at the ceiling until it was finally time to get up. I knew then, although subconsciously I’ve known for a long time, that if I don’t break out of this soon then it will break me. It is mostly the nights it happens. When you are all alone with nothing but your thoughts. For some reason no good thoughts ever creep in or even if they edge in they are quickly beaten back by the darkness.
For the most part on the outside I guess most people wouldn’t know just how close I am to the edge. I try to keep up a front but the wall is crumbling and I cannot hold it up for much longer. I am getting emotional just typing this now but I have to do it. I have to let this out. It is eating me from the inside. I feel hollow almost all the time.
I went to my first appointment with an occupational therapist today and almost had a complete meltdown there. Strangely, even after that I couldn’t let it all out. Again, I am better with writing it down than speaking it. That is just the way I am designed – for better or worse. The doctor does still seem to be leaning towards medication as the answer and waiting for the current dosage to do the trick but right now I can’t see it. I experience lows but no highs and other times I am just well, for want of a better word, flat. No highs or very, very fleeting highs. I am sorry to everyone who supports me for keeping the depths of this away from you. It is not intentional. Wait. That is a lie. It is intentional. I do it for what I think are good reasons but in the end I am probably wrong.
I want to feel like me again but every day that goes by I seem to remember less and less what I was.