Yet again, it has been a long time since I last posted.  I think the best way to describe what I have been doing is to say I’ve been drifting.  This lockdown is really starting to make each day seem like groundhog day.  Sometimes it seems that the weeks disappear in the blink of an eye.  We’ve been in this new “Firebreak” lockdown here in Wales for a couple of days now and to be honest, it hasn’t affected me much.  I was already feeling restricted before this came into force.  I have seen a few posts bemoaning the stringent rules that have been put in, such as stopping people buying non-essential goods.  I believe this is necessary.  My reason for saying that is that, during the first lockdown in March, this was also the guidance and I believe some ignored it.  I have seen evidence of people ignoring the rules on social distancing for months now.  Did those people expect there to be no consequences?  When did some people become so selfish?

Let’s discuss for the moment the thought process I have seen some describe.  “I don’t know anyone who has had the virus.  It must be that the media is exaggerating the risks.”  This thought angers me more than I care to admit sometimes.  Yes, we know the media like to sensationalise, but the death numbers speak for themselves.  Let me put it this way even if the deaths are half of what is reported then what number do the deaths have to reach before we take it seriously?  Is there an acceptable death rate?  To me, any deaths are unacceptable.  Now I know that is not possible but shouldn’t we be trying everything we can to save as many people as possible?

Sadly it appears to me that some people won’t take this seriously until someone they know or themselves get seriously ill with Covid.  I’m probably in the low-risk zone from death or becoming seriously ill, but does that mean I should carry on as normal?  I see it as my moral duty to try and protect others who are vulnerable, and I would like to think that others would do that for me.  Sadly, from what I read and see every day,  I don’t see that happening.  Humanity seems to be failing this test.  Selfishness is winning over.

I’ll step off my soapbox now and bring it back to how all of this is making me feel.  The short answer is low.  The way things were back before March seem like such as distant memory.  I am sad when I think of all the little things I used to take for granted.  Things like just popping to see my mother and father, have dinner with them or go out for a pint.  Things like going out to dinner with my wife.  I miss all these things.

Still, I stay in.

I try to protect others.  Better days will come.  I know it.  I do know it, but sometimes it is harder and harder for me to convince my anxious mind.  I am getting better at doing it.  Some days I even think I have it beaten, but then the dark clouds come down hard.  I will never beat this.  It will always be lurking under my bed or in the cupboard waiting to pounce on me at the drop of a hat.

Still, I stay in.  Still, I fight.

I wish you all reading this find the strength to go on.  Be kind, fight this and take care of each other.

We can do this.

5 thoughts on “Drifting”

  1. I miss seeing you as well so much it hurts I miss all my boys .I dtoo feel like everything that I have done to stay safe and keep my family and others safe has been a complete waste of time. Simply because of the behaviour of some people in this PANDEMIC.

    We will see each other soon hopefully cos we have done our bit for society and we all must never forget the people who died because of this horrible vicious .
    I ts been a stressful time in my place of work to keep everyone safe and well but its something I have to and will do to the best of my abilities.
    Love and miss you so much 💗 mam xxx

    • I hope so too. When this is all over we will get together and have a meal out. You are doing an heroic job. Love you too.

  2. Thank you and so are you doing a heroic job by fighting your demons in your head .I understand when you go off the radar at times cos I do the same .keep your chin up and we will meet up and definitely start spending time together love you xx mam .xx

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