Never have I felt more at a loss as to what to write but also knowing what I want to write but not being able to express it. That is a confusing sentence. Imagine your thoughts being that contradicting nearly all the time. That is my life right now. My mind wants to go in a million different directions, my heart feels empty and broken, and my body aches almost everywhere. More often than not though lately, I want to explode and let rip in any direction. It is hard for me to write this, but I am lost. I do not know where to go next, what the future holds and even where I want to go. All I know is there is no future in feeling like this, but how do I stop feeling like this? There is no way out. No sane way out anyway. I feel like I am skating on the edge of an ever decreasing circle. It is no longer a question of whether I am going to fall off, but when that is going to happen. I feel it will be soon.
I’m hurting people around me, but I can’t seem to stop. It is not intentional and certainly not something I do consciously. I wouldn’t blame everyone for abandoning ship as it were and swim away from this slowly sinking, directionless voyage I am on. I won’t hold a grudge or feel any ill will. I’ll go down with the ship.