I made a deal with myself to write a post even when my mind is telling me not to. I feel like I should, but as soon as I hit the “Add Post” button, I instantly wanted to discard the post. I suppose that explains how I am currently feeling. Well, at least a little.
The truth is I don’t know why I’m suddenly feeling a little, well, adrift. The day I had today was pretty good. Yesterday was pretty good too. I was able to (dare I say I was allowed?) to create something. To be creative. I mean nothing is stopping me from doing that in my spare time except for the ever-looming “black dog” called depression that is.
When I was creating something and feeling my way through the inevitable problems that the creation process throws up, I was lost in my own world, and I felt glorious. To me, it is taking an almost abstract thought or a problem and picking it apart until it forms small and possibly broken bits. Fixing the broken bits and slotting each part together into a functioning solution feels satisfying and somehow makes me feel whole. At least for the duration of it. I forgot how much more alive it makes me feel. Not sure alive is the right word, but I’m just pouring my stream of thought onto the keyboard at the moment.
When I got home, I felt great. Everything seemed to be going great. I felt the creative energy flowing again for the first time in a long time. I was on a high. Then, for no reason I can explain, my mood crashed. I started to get irritable. I sat here before writing this just scraping around in my mind for a reason, and the truth is, there isn’t one. At least not one I can decern. So there it is the rollercoaster of the depressed mind. It almost feels like there is some entity sensing my increasingly good mood and thinking “Nope. Not having that. Here have some negative emotions.”
I hate it, and in turn, it makes me hate myself.
Now that I have poured this out, I feel a little relief but the confusion as to why this has happened on what was such a good day still eludes me. I doubt I’ll be able to sleep properly tonight.
Maybe tomorrow when I am creating again, I can hold onto the feeling. I hope that is the case, even if only for one day. I want to experience that again.