Fractured for a while

We are living in dark and trying times.  I have been thinking about writing for quite some time, but also I have been thinking that the issues I am having and the thoughts I am feeling are nothing compared to what a vast number of people are experiencing every day during this pandemic.  I think that writing about my struggles are somehow diminishing what others are going through.  Am I wrong to feel that?  I don’t think so but equally; I do need to talk about what is going on, both out in the world and here in my bubble.  If this post offends anyone, then I apologise.  However, mental health is now more than ever, a topic that must be discussed.

Every day I feel a sense of time going slowly but also quickly.  I know that doesn’t make sense.  Maybe it is because every day is just the same thing, the same routines and the same four walls.  Even the 30-minute daily exercise (taking Tyrion out for a walk) although welcomed doesn’t seem enough.  I am not known to be a social animal by any means but the sense of the whole world getting smaller somehow is in my thoughts quite a lot.  On top of all that when I do go out, my anxiety cranks up to 11.  I feel somehow that I shouldn’t be out.  I also see other people who seemingly are not listening to the guidance and grouping together.  I have even seen people walking from one house to another while I was out on a few occasions.  One of them even spat on the floor.  All of this makes me just want to go back home.

I am so worried about bringing something back into the house and infecting my wife, who has a weak immune system.  I would never forgive myself if I brought something back and made her ill.

All of the above is making my day to day mental health go up and down erratically. I also think I am taking in too much news, but then again, I feel a responsibility to know what is going on to be prepared and look after my family.  My sleep is undoubtedly suffering, and I find myself sleeping at random times of the day as I can’t sleep at night.  The quiet around the place also feels so eerie.

On a positive note, I am finding some distractions in games and personal projects again.  Although some days that can be all too fleeting.

I hope everyone is staying safe and please, for everyone’s sake, stay home and listen to the guidelines.  Please, don’t be selfish and ignore it thinking it won’t affect you.  You may be right, but how many others are you putting at risk for your selfish attitudes?

I’d like to end this post by saying that to everyone working hard to keep us healthy, look after the sick and keeping the country going I salute you.  You are heroes, and the country owes you a debt we can never repay.  Thank you.

1 thought on “Fractured for a while”

  1. We are all in this together lee we all have the same thoughts .
    Last week I went through the same thing where I had a massive anxiety attack just thinking about going to the shop for bread I felt sick and could not breath started crying .
    I am working in an environment where I am looking after vulnerable elderly people doing all I can to keep them safe then panicking in case I bring it home to alan or get infected myself .
    The thought myself and my family contracting this virus frightens me so much .
    Hopefully we will get through this and come out the other side and appreciate what we have and who we have .
    My heart goes out to the people who have lost someone to the virus.
    I am so proud of you and how you are dealing with it all keep strong keep safe love you loads xxx mam xxx


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