Acceptance

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It has been a couple of days of either sleeping too much (at the wrong times) or not enough.  It seems that my brain just wants me to sleep during the day and stay awake at night.  This is fine when I am on annual leave but, as you can imagine, sucks when I am not.  I need to find a way to correct this.  Preferably without the use of medication.  I tried switching up the times I take my existing antidepressants but that did not help.  Well, that is not true, it did help for a little while but then my brain seems to have reverted to type.  Maybe micro naps are the future for me?  This might be just how I have to exist at this point.  I hope I can find a pattern of sleep that works and doesn’t leave me randomly tired.  It is probably too …

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Mind dump (again?)

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It seems like I lose my motivation and even what my purpose is multiple times a day.  I get lots of moments of almost brilliant clarity but sometimes I cannot hold onto it for very long.  Rarely does it sustain me long enough to become a better version of myself.  At least in my eyes. Today is one of those days.  I lie, it is not today, it has been pretty much since I last wrote a post here.  Almost certainly longer than that.  Perhaps I have always been this way?  I don’t like to think so though as I have very vague memories of knowing exactly what I was doing and where I was going.  Or at least where I wanted to go.  Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing inherently bad in my life besides this illness I have.  If I could find a way to cure myself …

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Rough days

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The last couple of days of the week I made some mistakes.  Now you might say that everyone makes mistakes and that would be true.  The problem is my mind won’t let me just brush over them.  To be honest I never want to dismiss mistakes out of hand.  I always want to own up to them and I do.  Sometimes I think I have made a mistake or upset someone when it turns out I haven’t, but it is better to confront my mistakes and apologise.  I just, and this might sound cheesy, but I don’t care, want everyone to have a hassle-free life as much as possible.  So, if I somehow mess up and contribute to making someone’s life harder in some way, I feel so bad.  Perhaps I punish myself too much but is that a terrible thing? I am trying my best to reflect on everything …

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