It has been a while since I posted so, seeing as it was my birthday yesterday, I thought I’d make a post today with some reflections. I’ll try not to make it sound too much like a midlife crisis type post!
Firstly, I’d like to thank everyone who wished me a happy birthday yesterday and for the gifts and cards. I had an awesome day. Vick and I went to Cardiff and tucked into some food at Ed’s diner. Even though I didn’t have a voucher proving it was my birthday for some discounts the guy there gave us £15 off the bill which was very kind of him. Vick bought me some Ghostbusters Pop figures to mostly complete the awesome set. I’ll be posting some pics later on.
I don’t usually look at my birthday as a moment to make a fresh start, but I think it is time. Well overdue too. I keep setting myself milestones for starting new things, but somehow, I do not get around to starting. Sometimes there is a real reason for me not starting, but mostly it is my mind and my illness sabotaging me as much as possible. There is nothing for it but to fight harder, and I woke up today believing I have the strength to fight harder. This is a big deal for me. I have been suffering at the limit of my ability to fight for what has seemed like months. I’m under no illusions that this is the day that everything in my mind and body clicks into the right place, but I feel like I should celebrate every positive thought that manages to make it through the doubt gauntlet of my mind.
The only slight negative thought that has started to creep in as I write this though is the fact that the majority of my annual leave is almost over and I haven’t done a lot. I suppose that is what breaks are for, but I always feel regret for not doing more with my free time. I guess a lot of people think that way. I also tend to get more and more anxious as I get closer to returning to work after a break. These fears are not based on anything except for my mind playing worse case scenarios, but they continue to play all the same. I am getting better at ignoring them. A little better anyway.
Just reading the above two paragraphs back, and they perfectly illustrate the duality of my moods. Managing to flip from positive to negative in the space of a few minutes is indeed a speciality of mine. What you’ve just read is the internal battle that goes on in my mind consistently. For the most part, the negative win the battles but the duration of the negativity does seem to be lessening.
Anyway, it is a lovely day today, so I’m going to kick back be as productive as possible and soak up the peace.