Reflections

Last Thursday was my final counselling session out of the 6 I was allotted.  At first, it was hard to say if it was helping at all.  During the final session though we reflected on everything that had been said, and she helped me realise that I have made progress.  Nowhere near where I want to or even need to be, but it is progress at least.  I am sorry that it is over now, though.  I wish I had more sessions, but it is not to be.  I cannot afford to go private, so I will have to go back to the NHS and back on the waiting list again.  The wait will probably be long, and when I finally get some sessions, it will be with another new therapist.  It will feel like I am starting over.  Again.

I’m not sure if that thought was playing on my mind last night, but this morning I woke up feeling close to tears.  It is probably not just that, though.  My mind likes to circle things over and over.  There is some light in the future; at least I hope there is.  I am exploring new opportunities which will hopefully make me feel useful again.  I feel that I cannot express my creativity or use any of my skills currently.  It is all just keeping things going.  Not only that I don’t know how to keep some of the things going but since there is nobody else I have to make the best of it.  On top of that, once I learn what is needed to keep things patched up, in the future, it will be useless knowledge.  Not precisely motivating is it?

Yesterday when I woke up, I was in agony with my shoulder and lower neck.  Made it through the day propped up on pain killers and then went to bed relatively early, hoping it would feel at least a little bit better today.  However, when I got up this morning, it felt so much worse.  It feels like a golf ball is sitting under my left shoulder blade.  If I try to massage it out, I get pins and needles in the shoulder followed by a burning sensation.  Maybe it has to feel worse before it gets better?  Let’s hope today is as bad as it gets.

I think I’ll spend the rest of the day brainstorming and fleshing out some personal project ideas.  Even if it doesn’t come to anything, at least I’ve flexed my creative muscles for a change!

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