Another long week draws to a close and although I have made it, I honestly don’t know how. If it wasn’t for the overwhelming support I’ve been getting from family and friends I don’t think I would have. I know that sounds dark but every night I descend into an abyss and it takes me awhile to come out of it every morning. Friday was one such day. I wasn’t able to pull myself out of it either. Perhaps it’s just the effort of keeping going that drains me by the time Friday comes around?
Increasingly I find myself thinking of the end. Just so I can rest. Just to have some peace. I feel like I am becoming a burden to those around me. The same people I am meant to look after and protect. I do not want to be like that or thought of like that but at the same time I need help. I just don’t know what will help me or even if I can be helped and that is a lot of the problem. I don’t know what is wrong with me and nobody seems to know how to fix me. Perhaps I can’t be fixed? Perhaps I am permanently broken?
Sleep is becoming more and more elusive. I tried settling down a lot earlier Thursday night but still saw every hour until around 3 am. So much tossing and turning that Tyrion has started making it known that I am disturbing him with his loud grunts and random noises!
Reading all this back – I realise how depressing it must be for people to read this and for that I apologise. I just need this outlet. This little pressure release valve for my mind. Somewhere to express myself more than I can ever do face to face. When I am trying to talk to someone about this my mind just screams “Just tell them everything” but what comes out is “I don’t know what is wrong”, “I’m surviving” or something equally nondescript. It is like a mental barrier appears that I cannot shift in order to engage my mouth.
A little good (depending on how you look at it anyway) has come from this never-ending seemingly awake state – I’ve been able to reflect on quite a lot of things from my past. Sadly though, most of what my mind focuses on is the negative things. Such as the years and years at school of being bullied and not being able to stop it. Not being able (or feeling able) to talk to anyone about it. One time I was being physically assaulted during a class in front of a teacher and nothing was said. In the end I walked out and left the school. I didn’t go home because I didn’t want my parents finding out so I walked back to a place known locally as “Pottery” and sat next to a stream until it was time to go home. I’ve never told anyone about this but maybe unearthing these things will help me? At this point I am open to trying most things.
I did manage to get more sleep last night. Although it was more like passing out I think.
Just got back from taking Tyrion for some grooming today. He looks pretty proud of himself but I doubt the bandanna will be on him for very long.