Today has been an exhausting day for me mentally. Again, I do not know why my mind does this to me. I really wish it wouldn’t. I woke up with a dark cloud hovering over me. I’m starting to think I really can’t dig myself out of this one. Maybe I don’t really want to? I mean, the devil on my shoulder is whispering in my ear saying I should just “give up” and honestly, I find myself agreeing more and more these days.
I hate myself today more than I have for a long time. I feel like I am sliding and cannot stop myself but at the same time, on the outside at least, I am the picture of productivity. I respond to everyone saying I am ok. That default expression. So meaningless to me but I how do I say internally I am wreck, adrift in a sea with no waves? There is also the concern that I need to be strong as others I talk to are probably and, in some cases, certainly going through their own problems. No one needs my problems added to their own.
Is this what a functional depressive looks like? I hate it. So much of my energy is burnt just trying to keep my head above the dark water rising. I don’t know how much longer I can keep myself afloat. I suppose I will as I always have. If not for myself then for the people who depend on me.
I guess that means I’ve accepted that I am just a tool for others. That is how I see myself.
The pendulum of emotions going from good to bad (I use those terms mildly) is almost tearing me apart. It moves back and forth so quickly I can almost feel the g-forces tearing my mind apart.
Sometimes, I just want to get off it. Some days, I just can’t.
Today is one of those days.
I want it to stop.