Today has been an exhausting day for me mentally.  Again, I do not know why my mind does this to me.  I really wish it wouldn’t.  I woke up with a dark cloud hovering over me.  I’m starting to think I really can’t dig myself out of this one.  Maybe I don’t really want to?  I mean, the devil on my shoulder is whispering in my ear saying I should just “give up” and honestly, I find myself agreeing more and more these days.

I hate myself today more than I have for a long time.  I feel like I am sliding and cannot stop myself but at the same time, on the outside at least, I am the picture of productivity.  I respond to everyone saying I am ok.  That default expression.  So meaningless to me but I how do I say internally I am wreck, adrift in a sea with no waves? There is also the concern that I need to be strong as others I talk to are probably and, in some cases, certainly going through their own problems.  No one needs my problems added to their own.

Is this what a functional depressive looks like?  I hate it.  So much of my energy is burnt just trying to keep my head above the dark water rising.  I don’t know how much longer I can keep myself afloat.  I suppose I will as I always have.  If not for myself then for the people who depend on me.

I guess that means I’ve accepted that I am just a tool for others.  That is how I see myself.

The pendulum of emotions going from good to bad (I use those terms mildly) is almost tearing me apart.  It moves back and forth so quickly I can almost feel the g-forces tearing my mind apart.

Sometimes, I just want to get off it.  Some days, I just can’t.

Today is one of those days.

I want it to stop.

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