Toughest week for a while

Before I start, it goes without saying this blog can be triggering.  In fact almost every post I write has references to triggering subjects.  That being said here goes: A tough week or so for me.  I know I have said that before but this week has been horrendous for me.  I’ve managed to keep it together enough to work but sometimes I don’t know how I did.  At least now I am starting a just over a week break. Some truths to follow which I haven’t shared this week: I have sat crying in the bathroom on more than one occasion. I have stared at a handful of pills contemplating ending things. I have thought about cutting myself again. I’ll be honest with you, if I had more courage I would have done 2 and 3.  I know that might shock some people.  Perhaps not courage.  Perhaps there is …

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Battery is getting low

I think I am starting to feel a dip in my mood.  Over the last few days I’m having to try harder to motivate myself to get up and move.  Not sure what is triggering it this time.  Maybe I am just getting fatigued more easily these days?  I am trying my best not to let it get to me though but it is hard.  I feel like I am running at about 30% all the time.  Always looking to get to the next mile post or the next charging point so to speak.  Not enjoying the journey just enduring it.  That is not how I want to be and for the most part, since I’ve been back, that is not how I have been.  I really hope I’m not slipping again. Recently I began to set up a streaming platform upstairs.  However, my internet upload is currently letting me …

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The rise

After what seems like an eternity I am beginning to rise up again.  I started back at work this week and so far I’ve been coping.  I’ve had a lot of support especially from family and friends but also at work too.  It wasn’t easy going back though and it was even harder as the week went on.  I felt I was getting drained quite easily (mentally at least) but I made it.  I am sure it will get easier from here on in.  I moved desks so I am closer to my friends and that has helped a lot.  Lots of banter from Matthew and Annemarie in the office mixed in with Nathan is great!  Chris and Deb chipping in too. I think I’ve managed to take on a different perspective for a lot of things.  Although it is very easy to see how I could slip back.  Sometimes …

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