Reboot

Where do you start to put a blog entry together when you cannot even put thoughts together in your mind a lot of the time? I thought long and hard about retiring this blog.  However, I have decided to carry on.  I may have shielded some of the effects of my depression and anxiety on me, and that is mostly due to how I would think people would perceive me.  Both personally and professionally.  The reason I say this is due to the fact I have been treated differently because of my illness.  Not necessarily in a negative way but even the positive differences (for want of a better phrase) make me feel, well, different.  Make me feel somehow a lesser person.  Someone that maybe should be treated like glass.  Yes, a lot of this may well be in my mind since I tend to overthink things (and then overthink …

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Reflections

Last Thursday was my final counselling session out of the 6 I was allotted.  At first, it was hard to say if it was helping at all.  During the final session though we reflected on everything that had been said, and she helped me realise that I have made progress.  Nowhere near where I want to or even need to be, but it is progress at least.  I am sorry that it is over now, though.  I wish I had more sessions, but it is not to be.  I cannot afford to go private, so I will have to go back to the NHS and back on the waiting list again.  The wait will probably be long, and when I finally get some sessions, it will be with another new therapist.  It will feel like I am starting over.  Again. I’m not sure if that thought was playing on my …

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Ever decreasing circle

Never have I felt more at a loss as to what to write but also knowing what I want to write but not being able to express it.  That is a confusing sentence.  Imagine your thoughts being that contradicting nearly all the time.  That is my life right now.  My mind wants to go in a million different directions, my heart feels empty and broken, and my body aches almost everywhere.  More often than not though lately, I want to explode and let rip in any direction.  It is hard for me to write this, but I am lost.  I do not know where to go next, what the future holds and even where I want to go.  All I know is there is no future in feeling like this, but how do I stop feeling like this?  There is no way out.  No sane way out anyway.  I feel …

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