Toughest week for a while

Before I start, it goes without saying this blog can be triggering.  In fact almost every post I write has references to triggering subjects.  That being said here goes: A tough week or so for me.  I know I have said that before but this week has been horrendous for me.  I’ve managed to keep it together enough to work but sometimes I don’t know how I did.  At least now I am starting a just over a week break. Some truths to follow which I haven’t shared this week: I have sat crying in the bathroom on more than one occasion. I have stared at a handful of pills contemplating ending things. I have thought about cutting myself again. I’ll be honest with you, if I had more courage I would have done 2 and 3.  I know that might shock some people.  Perhaps not courage.  Perhaps there is …

Read more…

Somebody slow down the treadmill

Another day, another struggle. That pretty much sums up my day today. It has been almost a week now since I doubled my dose and I still haven’t seen a benefit. Maybe I am being too impatient? I’m tired pretty much all the time.  I’m also getting headaches and a weird tingling sensation in my head. It is hard to explain but it seems to stop me in my tracks. I have to admit I am getting worried I won’t be able to pull myself back out of this one.  Every time I think of a solution I think of twice the amount of things that could go wrong with that solution.  Feel like I am on a treadmill that is going slightly faster than I can run.  I’m slowly falling backwards. I’ve decided to take part in a study on depression which I am hoping will help me understand …

Read more…

More downs than ups

Since my last, relatively positive post (at least positive for me) I have been on a mostly downward path.  For a while I managed to, mostly at least, stay level. A few weeks ago, maybe longer I don’t know, I’ve been constantly looking on the negative side of everything. My moods have been erratic.  This has even spilled over into places it never has before.  I can normally contain it and control it but lately I haven’t been able to. This past week has been as bad as I can remember. This is despite positive things happening. That sounds weird right? I know you are probably thinking “How can he be overwhelmingly depressed when good things are happening?”  I wish I knew. I’ve joined a few support groups to try to open up more and maybe get another perspective on my illness (I’ve just realised this is the first time …

Read more…