I’m just going to dump some stuff out onto this new post I’ve been staring at for a while.
I feel like I’ve lost my direction in life. Correction, I don’t know if I have ever really had a direction. Does anyone else out there feel like they are just drifting from one day to the next with no other goal but to exist? Some days existing is all I can manage. Most days lately, at least using my dark perception of myself, I feel like I am overlooked, irrelevant and surplus to requirements. I could go on by why bother? I am sure you get the picture by now.
If there is a rock bottom, I don’t think I’ve hit it quite yet although some days it feels that way. All I know for sure is that the way to the bottom seems very, very deep. I believe I am falling at terminal velocity. I know that much. It’s weird you know, sometimes my mind comes alive with all these possibilities and things I’d love to achieve, but for whatever reason, I never seem to begin. My concentration is minimal. It never used to be like that. When am I working on something, it is effortless for me to get distracted. My moods cycle rapidly between anger, frustration, hopelessness, sadness almost at a constant rate.
It’s gotten to the point where it has caused problems in my marriage too. For this, I will take most of the blame. For that matter, perhaps I should take all of the responsibility? I am a different person now to what she married. Then again, who was I then? I suppose that is the eternal question. Does anyone really know who they are? Sometimes I think I know who I am, and I try to be a good person, but I always come up short. Somewhere along the line, I let someone down, but ultimately it is me I let down, I guess.
So having written all that, where does it leave me? I can continue on this treadmill going fast enough to stay still, I can run faster but along the same path or I can get off the treadmill and walk my own path. I want to choose the latter, but I don’t know how. I don’t know where to start.