Terminal Velocity

I’m just going to dump some stuff out onto this new post I’ve been staring at for a while.

I feel like I’ve lost my direction in life.  Correction, I don’t know if I have ever really had a direction.  Does anyone else out there feel like they are just drifting from one day to the next with no other goal but to exist?  Some days existing is all I can manage.  Most days lately, at least using my dark perception of myself, I feel like I am overlooked, irrelevant and surplus to requirements.  I could go on by why bother?  I am sure you get the picture by now.

If there is a rock bottom, I don’t think I’ve hit it quite yet although some days it feels that way.  All I know for sure is that the way to the bottom seems very, very deep.  I believe I am falling at terminal velocity.  I know that much.  It’s weird you know, sometimes my mind comes alive with all these possibilities and things I’d love to achieve, but for whatever reason, I never seem to begin.  My concentration is minimal.  It never used to be like that.   When am I working on something, it is effortless for me to get distracted.  My moods cycle rapidly between anger, frustration, hopelessness, sadness almost at a constant rate.

It’s gotten to the point where it has caused problems in my marriage too.  For this, I will take most of the blame.  For that matter, perhaps I should take all of the responsibility?  I am a different person now to what she married.  Then again, who was I then?  I suppose that is the eternal question.  Does anyone really know who they are?  Sometimes I think I know who I am, and I try to be a good person, but I always come up short.  Somewhere along the line, I let someone down, but ultimately it is me I let down, I guess.

So having written all that, where does it leave me?  I can continue on this treadmill going fast enough to stay still, I can run faster but along the same path or I can get off the treadmill and walk my own path.  I want to choose the latter, but I don’t know how.  I don’t know where to start.

2 thoughts on “Terminal Velocity”

  1. You start by talking to people go outside more often you can get your life back on track by going out once a month at first but just go out for a short walk daily stop staring at the four walls people out there love you family and friends you are a good person and a strong one

  2. Lee we all love you you are not a failure at all . Gareth is right you need to go out now and again I know it’s hard cos I have been where you are still am at times . I am here for you at all times you know that. You matter to me and always will .I love you .mam .xxxxxx

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