The lie

“I’m OK”

The truth is I say this when I don’t mean it.  I don’t mean to lie to people but there are many reasons for not saying how I truly feel.  For instance the person I’m talking to is going through enough problems themselves and wouldn’t want to deal with mine (I think) and I also don’t want to burden them with it. This brings me to another reason, even if I said I wasn’t OK the next question is inevitably going to be “what’s wrong?”  I would not know how to even begin to answer that.  How do you explain the sudden feeling of emptiness, despair and futility of everything?  I know that it passes, I mean it passed enough today for me to write this, but at the time it takes me to the edge.  The edge of, well I won’t say it.  I refuse.  I feel sometimes I get closer and closer to the edge each time and I am terrified I won’t be able to pull myself back from it one day.

I have great family and friends around me, there is nothing obviously there making my life sad.  In fact, everything on the outside looking in looks great.  Yeah I am unhealthy and overweight but I have an awesome wife, great family and lets not forget Tyrion and Smudge.  So this brings me back to the question:  Why do I feel like I do?  Why does it just seem to come from nowhere?  I can never identify a trigger although mostly I can sense it coming lately at least.

This is probably the last thing anyone wants to read on a bank holiday or any other day for that matter, but as I have said before, writing this out, getting it out of my head, helps me.  At least a little.

“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.”
– Oscar Wilde

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