Before I start, it goes without saying this blog can be triggering. In fact almost every post I write has references to triggering subjects. That being said here goes:
A tough week or so for me. I know I have said that before but this week has been horrendous for me. I’ve managed to keep it together enough to work but sometimes I don’t know how I did. At least now I am starting a just over a week break.
Some truths to follow which I haven’t shared this week:
- I have sat crying in the bathroom on more than one occasion.
- I have stared at a handful of pills contemplating ending things.
- I have thought about cutting myself again.
I’ll be honest with you, if I had more courage I would have done 2 and 3. I know that might shock some people. Perhaps not courage. Perhaps there is a small shred of me that wants to fight. I am trying but every day I get up it seems like a never-ending cycle of sadness and no prospects. I’ve pulled away from family and friends quite a bit. I know that is hurting them but I can’t help it. I don’t want to infect everyone with this darkness inside me. I want to let it out but I can’t. It festers and stews inside me. Taints everything I think and feel. The slightest thing will set me off on a negative path.
Even things I really liked doing are flat and dull for me. My arms ache and sometimes it feels like my whole body aches.
I don’t think I can write anymore so I’ll leave it there.