Toughest week for a while

Before I start, it goes without saying this blog can be triggering.  In fact almost every post I write has references to triggering subjects.  That being said here goes:

A tough week or so for me.  I know I have said that before but this week has been horrendous for me.  I’ve managed to keep it together enough to work but sometimes I don’t know how I did.  At least now I am starting a just over a week break.

Some truths to follow which I haven’t shared this week:

  1. I have sat crying in the bathroom on more than one occasion.
  2. I have stared at a handful of pills contemplating ending things.
  3. I have thought about cutting myself again.

I’ll be honest with you, if I had more courage I would have done 2 and 3.  I know that might shock some people.  Perhaps not courage.  Perhaps there is a small shred of me that wants to fight.  I am trying but every day I get up it seems like a never-ending cycle of sadness and no prospects.  I’ve pulled away from family and friends quite a bit.  I know that is hurting them but I can’t help it.  I don’t want to infect everyone with this darkness inside me.  I want to let it out but I can’t.  It festers and stews inside me.  Taints everything I think and feel.  The slightest thing will set me off on a negative path.

Even things I really liked doing are flat and dull for me.  My arms ache and sometimes it feels like my whole body aches.

I don’t think I can write anymore so I’ll leave it there.

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