Weird feeling

I feel kind of weird.  I could leave that sentence there as I have been staring at the flashing cursor urging me to type something for about half an hour now, and that sentence sums up my current feeling.  I’m guessing that would be a pretty dull read  — the entire second of it.  I’ll try to express what I mean.  I’ll probably end up chopping and moving stuff around a lot, so some of that might show.  Maybe I’ll leave it as it is to illustrate better how much my mind jumps around from concept to concept, thought to thought without any discernible pattern?  We’ll see.  I already know the answer to that, though if I’m honest with myself.  I will re-read this about ten times (at least) before I hit the publish button.  I still get a very uneasy feeling before I post something and I don’t suppose that will ever go away.  I want to think I’ve gotten better at blocking out the negative results and comments when I do post something though.

Just lost my thread because my brain is like “Yeah I know you are writing a post, but you know the music you have on?  Yeah, change it.”  Then I spend 10 mins or so just flicking between tracks and artists.  For those who like to know, I settled on some ska as is my way — particularly loving Same Old Song by The Pietasters and the like lately.  I’m creating a playlist (slowly) on Spotify if anyone wants to check it out.  The title is Ska n Reggae Randomness and yeah the title is meh.

See? I went right off on a tangent again.  Why am I like this?  Bah the backspace is getting a lot of action tonight.  Anyway, the reason I am feeling weird is that I seem to be feeling “normal” for want of a better phrase.  Perhaps a better way to put it would be I’m feeling balanced?  That in itself is weird to me. Maybe it is because I haven’t felt like this for as long as I can remember.  Don’t get me wrong I do seem to be having outbursts a little more but they are more controlled, and actually, when they happen it feels kind of, well, nice.  Is this what “normal” people feel like all of the time?  It is a strange new world for me.  Since I am rarely an optimist about my mental health, I fully don’t expect this to last, but I’ll be damned if I am not going to milk this feeling for all it is worth.  Combine this with having four days off after tomorrow and life is good.

At this point, I’d like to apologise to anyone I haven’t kept in touch with as much as I have in the past these last few weeks (months?)  It has not been intentional.   I feel I have said this before, but either way, it is worth mentioning again.  I love you all, and I am thankful to each one of you who accept my quiet times and my loud times without question.  You are all incredible, and if you don’t believe it I just said you are so you have to accept it now!  Finally, just because I am quiet, it doesn’t mean my ears are closed.  If you need anything or want to talk, then please reach out.

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